Beauty in the Journey
Back in the day, (that makes me sound real old, but I am turning 35 this year so I’ll go with it) I hated homework. I would procrastinate and end up throwing something together last-minute just so I wouldn’t get an incomplete. In retrospect, I wish I would have embraced the days of mandatory reading, essays, and projects. Now, my life may be mundane, but it is crazy busy! There’s laundry, dishes, menu planning, budgeting, and yet I still have to manage reading, essays, and projects. Only this time, the reading and projects are for the kids. What’s funny though, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve actually started to enjoy “homework” assignments (not the kid’s homework, I still hate that). It’s not easy, but when I’m intentional, I can find time to read for myself and take on interesting projects. Funny what happens when incentives and priorities change.
I was recently given some homework from my counselor during one of our sessions. The task at hand was to answer the question, “Who am I?” At first the answer seemed easy. Don’t we all know who we are? Apparently not because when I sat down and put pen to paper I found myself struggling. Besides the fact that after having kids I pee a little when I sneeze, the first things that came to mind were: I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a sister, I am a daughter, I am a friend, etc. Then I was stuck.
My husband thinks he knows me better than I know myself so I presented this question to him over a lunch date. I started by telling him the answers I had come up with. He looked at me and said, “You realize everything you listed is contingent on others and not yourself.” Gulp. He was right. That was a tough truth to swallow. I spent a lot of time over the next few days thinking about this question, thinking I was the only one who struggled to answer it. However, in that week I had several conversations with multiple women. All in different seasons of life, who were just as unsure how to answer.
Here were some of their thoughts shared with me ….
I feel less “in touch” with myself as an individual now that I’m older or have kids.
I didn’t realize I also identified myself in my roles at home or within my family or work.
I kind of know how to answer, but don’t feel grounded in it.
When I do have “me time” I am at a lost for what it is that I even like to do anymore.
I know I am a daughter of God, but what does this look like practically?
Do men ever feel this way?
Is it shallow that my biggest hobby is managing my home?
I feel like I don’t know how to manage my home, yet alone know who I am.
I wonder if my mom ever felt this way?
They talked and I listened. I know God wants more for me and He wants more for you. Often when we feel this way, we are encouraged to take time for ourselves. When we finally have a break to do this so-called “self-care” in the midst of basketball games, homework, doctor’s appointments, school projects, gymnastic practice, ballet, work, and ALL the meals and snacks … countless snacks … we often feel lost. Heck, we don’t even know what tank we should be refueling during this “self-care!”
On one hand I was relieved I wasn’t the only one. On the other hand, my heart broke. For them, for myself, and for my daughter. At only 5 years old she has this charisma about her, and more confidence than I could ever dream of. I’m reminded of this when I’m trying to write, in peace, alone in my room. She proceeds to intrude, putting a clean pair of jeans on her head from the pile of clothes that swallows my bed, and says, “Look Mom, I’m Pantsy Nancy!” I don’t ever want her to lose that sense of who she is.
I spent time just wondering how many other women and moms have gotten lost in the chaos of the mundane and, in turn, lost touch with who they were.
If someone were to ask you this question, could you confidently answer? Maybe you could, maybe you couldn’t, or maybe you do know now, but there will be a season in your life where the picture doesn’t look so clear. I have so much I want to share, and I want to help other women answer this question, but it can’t happen in one day … It's a journey. Yet I know working through it is an endeavor worth pursuing.
A good starting point is this: My identity is in Christ. Understanding that identity is far more difficult and complex than I ever imagined. I’m looking forward to the journey as I continue to work out this question for myself. What if it’s through the journey of answering the question that we receive the beauty of understanding the answer? If you feel this is a journey you want to embark on, there are two things I want you to know: One, if you also struggle to answer this question, you are absolutely not alone. Two, remembering that we are created in God’s image can be hard when we focus on our sinful nature and less-than-perfect selves. Instead let us remember, it doesn’t matter if WE see ourselves that way, we only need to remember HE sees us that way. That’s been a perspective shift for me, and I hope it will be for you, too.
