Becoming Aware of Who You Were Created to Be

A couple of years ago, I stepped into a counselor’s office for the first time. Okay, that’s not entirely true. I had been to couples counseling before, but this was different, it was just for me. It’s something I knew I had been needing to do for a while, but life was busy, and I couldn’t add one more thing to my overflowing to-do list. On top of that, I sensed a cultural stigma surrounding counseling. 

But life had begun to feel like quicksand, and I was sinking fast. I picked up the phone and made myself an appointment. I’ll never forget that first appointment. I sat in the lobby quietly waiting to be called. Fidgeting, scrolling through Instagram stories, and my Facebook feed, waiting to hear my name. 

The door to the waiting area opened, “Sarah?” This was it. The counselor introduced herself as we walked toward her office, and I followed her into a small room. I sat down on the worn couch, sinking deep into the cushions, deeper in the thoughts that led me there. I felt lost, but it was time to be found.

I once heard a counselor say two of the biggest life changes in a person’s life is a move or career change. We had experienced both just months before this appointment. By any measure, this would be a stressful season but it was only the tip of the iceberg. I was beginning to become aware of the layers I had developed over 34 years of life. These layers were tissue paper-thin, which allowed me to see through them just enough to carry on with life, but when the layers stacked up, it blinded me from what I knew about myself, and God. 

My layers started in childhood, as they often do. Followed by a whirlwind of marriage, motherhood, and life itself. 

Often we don’t even realize these layers exist. They can be from something as simple as a conversation we replay in our head, wishing we had said something different. Or the daily battles we face with comparison, insecurity, depression, and anxiety. They can be overwhelming emotions from a move, a job change, a fall out with a friend, a difficult relationship, a divorce, the passing of a loved one, nothing is off-limits. 

A layer is anything and everything we push to the side, shove down and don’t address. Layers in our lives aren’t added on purpose. We just get busy with life. We move from childhood to adulthood. We get jobs, get married, and have kids. Our days become consumed with dishes, laundry, shuttling kids, feeding a small army, and we eventually burn out.

I remember when our kids were babies, I was hyper-aware of them becoming “overtired”. We all know what happens to a tuckered out babe, and it isn’t pretty. Over time we become the unrested ones, out of sorts. Then, when given a night out, or a couple of hours to ourselves, we often don’t even know what it is we need to relax and refuel, and we don’t have the brain space to deep dive into the layers of our lives that may be contributing to this problem.

I can’t tell you how many times I took myself to get a pedicure in the middle of my out of sorts tantrums. Only to come home and feel the chaos the minute me and my pretty toes walked back in the door. I became enthralled in schedules, routines, appointments-the works, and the layering continued. 

But something happened in that first counseling session and I knew God had met us in that tiny room and I had entered into something sacred. 

During that session, my counselor had given me some homework. The assignment she had left me with was to answer a simple question, a question that would send me on a spiritual journey. I was to answer the question, “Who am I?”

And let me tell you, I struggled with this homework. How does one define themselves when life is continuously changing?

As women, it’s easy to feel as if who we are is dependent on the people around us. It is hard for us to separate who we are from our roles. We are the keepers of our homes, the administrators of our schedules. We enter adulthood forgetting we are still children of God ourselves, still learning who He created us to be. 

No wonder I felt lost. The first decade of marriage and motherhood felt like a blur, and I kept walking into each new season the best I knew how to. 

Into a vow with someone as broken as me, hopeful for the promise of redemption. 

Into motherhood with a child who came 71 days early.

Into military service, though I wasn’t the one wearing the uniform. 

Into each new season, striving to be a better mom, a better wife. 

All along the way doing what I thought I was supposed to, putting one foot in front of the other. Step after Step. Hurdle after hurdle. With every diaper change, dirty dish washed, new load of laundry, every box unpacked, and finding the contents a new home. 

It was as if everything surfaced at once and I found myself questioning where life had taken me. Sometimes our eyes can be open, our bodies moving, but we still need to fight to be awake to this life God has given us. 

We tell ourselves we are the only ones who struggle to feel like a whole person. We continue to carry the things that weigh us down. Pretending things are fine, numbing when needed. We feel a disconnect. We long for confidence but a true dependence on God recognizes the areas we fall short. We don’t need self-assurance, we need to accept we are fully known. 

What layers might you be carrying today? Stop and reflect, recognize them. They may be deep, such as childhood wounds. Or they may feel small, such as the way you snapped at your spouse the other day. Or maybe you are in a season that feels layered. Such as the early years of motherhood. Big or small, acknowledge and name them. Introspection can be healing. Don’t push any emotions you may feel to the side; lean in. 

That’s what I was doing in Suite 301, I was leaning in. I may have been sleepwalking through those halls that led to the worn couch that first couple of sessions, but I was slowly waking up, exposing deep crevices that had become my go-to hiding places. 

This awareness is just the beginning. Knowing who we are is looking back at where we have been, leaning into where we are, and stepping forward, even when it hurts. He will help us peel the layers, clear the fog, and put us back together. He will help us rediscover ourselves and Himself in new ways. A practice of reflection can lead to renewal.