Did They Know?

There aren’t many who understand what we go through. It’s easy to say, “I can’t imagine.” “How do you do it?” “You are so strong!” I never feel strong when he is deployed. I feel like I’m failing. Mom guilt is real, and when you do the parenting thing all by yourself, it is magnified 100 times.

I remember his last deployment. Hand in hand, we headed to the airport, but there was silence. We both were in our heads, trying to prepare for how we would handle the goodbye. Goodbyes are never easy; deployment goodbyes are awaited and dreaded simultaneously. It seems weird that something so dreaded can also be awaited. But once the deployment comes, we can finally start the countdown. The countdown that all military wives have the moment he leaves. Whether or not we know when he’ll return, we count down and wait. We wait for that homecoming like we wait for the mailman.

Since I knew that morning would hold many tears, I wasn’t ready to start them on that 20-minute drive to the airport. It was early in the morning, about 6 am. We were lucky to have my in-laws sit with the kids while I drove him to the airport. I remember getting a text from a sweet friend that she thought of me and asked if I was wearing waterproof mascara. It was just what I needed; she knew how to force a smile on such a sad morning with that text.

We walked into the airport and checked his bags. I was finally ready to release the tears I had held back when his commander greeted us. It’s how these things work. His commander was there for support and to send him off. Luckily, his commander wished him well quickly, and we were alone, walking hand in hand toward security. We stopped at some benches right before we got there, sat down, and prayed together for what was ahead. Then the tears came. I wish I had someone standing by to capture that moment. I wondered what the surrounding travelers thought.

Did they know he was about to leave on a deployment? Did they know I didn’t know when I would see him again? Did they know we had three kids at home who would wake up and realize that Dad had left for over half a year? Did they know that men and women do this every day? Did they know that daily, men and women who serve our country miss the births of their children, birthdays, anniversaries, soccer games, first steps, first words, etc.?

Did they know that the kids would act out and moms were left alone to discipline? Did they know the guilt dads would feel that they weren’t there to help but couldn’t dwell on because of the mission?  Did they know that everything breaks when he is gone? Garage doors, microwaves, air conditioners, cars, you name it. Did they know how alone it feels after the kids go to bed and we look over to that empty pillow, realizing we are doing life by ourselves?

Did they know the fear that creeps in when we haven’t heard from him by a specific time, and we thought we would? Did they know that the connection wasn’t even that great when we finally heard from him? Did they know we had to console those kids who missed him just as much as we did but didn’t know how to express that emotion?

Did they know how often we checked the mail and savored a letter? Did they know that whenever we heard the national anthem when he was away, that alone could send us into full-blown waterworks? Or that we repeatedly invited those same tears by watching homecoming videos on YouTube.

The truth is some do know. Others don’t and never will. Military life is a unique thing. It’s a crazy life but an honor as well.

What’s funny is as a girl, I remember thinking I could never marry someone in the military. The thought of my future husband being deployed or away a lot just didn’t sit well with me. God had other plans. He’s funny that way. But I’ve grown through the deployments, fears, hard times, countless moves, TDYs, trainings, and more. It is part of what has made me who I am today.

When he is gone, I somehow find a way to open that pickle jar I usually wouldn’t be able to. I’ve gotten that tarantula out of our house that I usually would have called on him for. And I’ve gotten to experience several “first kisses” when he comes home again.

I’m glad I get to serve alongside other military wives. Our missions are just as important. Those travelers at the airport may not know what we do and go through. But I do, and so do your fellow military spouses. You all are rock stars!